C Is For Chaos​/​Control

by Citizen Tim

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1.
Chaos 05:18
there’s something in my blood I can’t pronounce, it could block my arteries and veins my family says I’m worrying way too much, I’ve always been a coward my brother is out on the ocean, he’s sailing all the seven seas on earth the candle keeps burning in his window, I hope he’ll find his way back home and I watched my mom eating pills, she was about to give up that night so, chaos was holding my hand and said “I’ll be your companion ‘til the end” on my last day, when I’m breathing out my soul I hope you’ll remember me and a drunk guy will sing “he always was a coward, he was some kind of obsessed, he never got it right, but in the end he tried”
2.
Control 04:06
dear particles of mine, dear fucking nine to fives to my unborn child and all the bastards on my front porch I have a camera in the back of my head to record all the bad ideas I try to revive my optimism with this broken AED on a hospital floor I even considered about moving to Grand Rapids to find some kind of a sense, to find any kind of hope and maybe there will be a plot twist I’m taking back control, I’m taking back control there’s an incessant humming in my ear a constant reminder of my effort and my fear I try to keep walking on pavement with this strange gluey substance right under my feet I even get jealous, when I see people praying they found some kind of a sense, they found any kind of hope and someday I will find my homeport I’m taking back control, I’m taking back control
3.
I keep fighting with my demons, they’re hunting me at night while you’re sleeping, while you’re breathing next to me so peacefully, so steady there are gunslingers in town spitting phrases to the ground, feeling younger than they are and probably that’s why I’d rather stay at home watching hockey and getting drunk on my own you get tired of watching me collapse I need to get rid of my restless legs and hands and of my demons sometimes I hate driving alone and being far away from home, playing in a front of a shitty crowd I should reach higher ground to get a clear view on some things and to exhale all the dust and smoke when I close my eyes to fall asleep, I hear a blizzard in my head and the demons approaching they’re coming closer I’m getting fatter every day and slowly my hair turns into white I can’t promise, that I’ll win that fight but I can promise to be there, while you’re sleeping so peacefully
4.
and here is the bad news, no one’s waited for you or your stupid fucking pictures you keep talking about inspiration, I can taste my guts while reading and your blankets get salty by dawn, when you cry yourself asleep each night the silence surrounds you in your bed, you got bigger fish to fry, you got bigger fish to fry we are like French movies, we keep on talking but nothing will happen in the end and sometimes life just hits you like the AC on a MTA bus in September here is the good news, no one’s waited for me or my stupid shitty songs all these lyrics about human beings, no one will remember and I love watching red eared sliders swimming in New York Central Park, making all these people laugh still not afraid of growing old, I got bigger fish to fry, I got bigger fish to fry we are like French movies, we keep on talking but nothing will happen in the end and sometimes life just hits you like the AC on a MTA bus in September and here is the sad news, we are not red eared sliders swimming in New York Central Park we keep talking about all these things, before we walk away, returning to that cold house in our hearts
5.
could you please spell your name for me, I can’t hear what you are saying and would you please make your choice right now, what kind of piss you’d like to drink I can’t tell you about the roast but I can tell you, how to get roasted would you please stop being pathetic, I just want to go home
6.
MLN Dialog 02:20
some days before my grandma passed away, she cried and collapsed in my arms she was scared to death about the death, my tongue felt numb and my mouth turned dry but I still wouldn’t know what to say, I keep fighting the supremacy of unconvincing prophecy and confidence is setting a fire, I am not 22 anymore, I am not 22 anymore my parents they’ve always been afraid, I never got into that stupid career thing and there is a layer of dust on my three fat books, that I’ll never read I don’t have a college degree, I was touring with my punkrock band and Kansas in our hearts And thankfully I’m walking through the night, I am not 22 anymore, I am not 22 anymore I can not breath at walking pace, acceleration got out of hand but my legs keep on moving and this one is for us, we are not 22 anymore, we are not 22 anymore
7.
Pandemic 04:14
it came with no surprise to the point of great remorse and the anchor man’s afraid, as he’s reading the announcement in the morning I lock my door and count to ten, while the birds are singing in the trees my emotional range becomes closer, we saw it coming my legs are feeling tired, I’m running circles in my room I keep on counting the days here in quarantine I miss my friends, I miss my friends I watch the sunset over ghost town, the air I breath tastes pretty old I watch my neighbor through the window, his dog seems pretty bored and in the treasury department the blood is dripping from the ceiling I’m running short of confidence, I’m running short of hope my legs are feeling tired, I’m running circles in my room I keep on counting the days here in quarantine I miss my friends, I miss my friends and it came with no surprise to the point of great collapse
8.
I asked my friend Chris Snelgrove, if he’d like to share his thoughts on chaos and control with me these are his very own words, no lyrics needed, please listen carefully
9.
you’re digging in the dirt, you’re breathing in the dust you don’t deserve you came such a long way with the tie around your neck, keep your focus and after a long day you’re driving to the darkest part of this town, to the women you don’t know, to find yourself a little love, you’re a dynamite man we can’t change our skin, we fold our hands for the suffering to end it’s harvest season for the first time in our life and maybe we deserve so much more than this it’s harvest season, it’s harvest season she’s digging in your dirt, she’s taking good care of your loved ones and if there’s fortune, she’s always been late at the end of a long day, she’s driving to the darkest part of this town with the all familiar sounds to kiss her children good night, she’s a dynamite girl we can’t change our skin, we fold our hands for the suffering to end it’s harvest season for the first time in our life and maybe we deserve so much more than this it’s harvest season, it’s harvest season
10.
my father always taught me to cherish all the things we have, God bless the island but I can’t change who I am and how my heart beats, they would chase me when the night comes, I will float out with the bats into the dark skies, we’ll be heading north and I will ring the bell of this tiny red chapel and I will sing can you hear me, can you hear me, I am the hope and the heart of this nation can you hear me, can you hear me, I am the hope and the heart of this nation and I’ll become my mother always taught me to fall in love head over heals our old house of legacy and pride, there are cracks in the walls, there is poison on the floor when the night comes, you will be gone, I’ll hear the flapping in the distance, I will pray for you my son and I’ll become the eighth color of this land, and you’ll become the eighth color of this land can you hear me, can you hear me, I am the hope and the heart of this nation

credits

released September 25, 2020

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Citizen Tim Saarbrücken, Germany

C IS FOR CHAOS/CONTROL

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